Life has a funny way of coming up with surprises.  Sometimes they’re good surprises!   Oh!  I found a $20 bill in a pocket!  Sometimes they’re not-so-goodOh, I accidentally left my paycheck in my pocket and then put it through the wash!  And sometimes they’re REALLY BAD.   Oh, my husband has decided that he is bi-sexual and would like to have affairs with men.  Oh, my husband is also looking for hook-ups with women, couples, huge women, old women, he-shes and is looking for jobs and apartments in other States.  Oh, and he is using drugs, too!

So, here I am; at a major cross roads in my life.   I knew my husband and I had some issues, but I thought that they were things that could be worked out with patience and perseverance.   Most marriages aren’t perfect, and most take a lot of love and care to flourish.  They have their ups and downs, but then, so does life.  You weather them, and you move on.  But both partners need to be on the same page.  When only one loves and the other has his own private agenda, then it is clearly time for some sort of action.   I made the decision to divorce with only the greatest reluctance and only because I couldn’t see that I had any other choice.  I had thought that he was the love of my life; that we could look forward to growing old together.  Even though my first marriage also ended in divorce this time it is much more painful.  When the depth of lies and deception became evident; I realized that if this was who he was, I never knew the man.  After 8 years together, it took stumbling upon his emails to other men to find out the truth and then I was so shocked that I literally shook for 24 hours.   I was and still am incredibly devastated.    I deeply grieve the loss of the man I thought I was married to.

It all started when he said he wanted a lap-top computer to use for “work”.  We’d had some pretty tough years together; lost our home due to the economy, lived in our motor home for two years to save money on housing and eventually had to go bankrupt because one of our creditors socked us with huge penalties for being late on HALF a payment and since we couldn’t afford those penalties and they wouldn’t budge, we had to declare bankruptcy.  But, fast-forward a few years, we were finally getting back on our feet again, living in our quaint Little-Apartment-on-the-Pond.  I was working two jobs and making good money, so I bought him a lap-top computer for Christmas.  He seemed very pleased, but didn’t know how to do much with it.  He wanted his own email account for “work”, so using my computer I set up an account for him- the same type as our joint account. The only hitch was that whenever it kicked me out of our joint email to re-sign in, which they do every two weeks, it would bring up his log-in credentials, being that it was the newest account on my computer. I mentioned this to him several times, so he knew about it, but every two weeks I’d just erase his log-in stuff and type in ours…. until one day I was in a hurry to get into the email and hit log-in before I realized that I’d forgotten to put in our log-ins and it brought up his account. At first, because I was in a hurry, I was just concentrating on logging out of his email and into the other account, but I did a double take as I saw the subject lines of the emails! It was very obvious just from that, that there was something going on, so I read the emails and I read the three days worth of emails that were in the trash- a total of 84 emails.  Later, I looked at the history on the computer and he’d been into all kinds of awful stuff.  He’d signed up for accounts on various skanky websites and according to his profiles, he was bi-sexual and also admitted to doing drugs.  I’d had no reason to believe he was anything other than heterosexual and before we were married and many times afterward, he’d told me that he hadn’t used drugs (pot and cocaine) in 25 years.

I wanted to have a calm discussion with him about my findings, but rather than being embarrassed, ashamed, apologetic and contrite like most people would be, he was furious and said I was “making a mountain out of a mole hill.”  I thought that this had to be the understatement of the year and came back with; “This isn’t a mole hill, this is Mount Everest!”  Anyway, the end result wasn’t good.  When I said that I wanted a divorce and I wanted him to leave, he yelled:  “If anyone’s going to leave, it’s going to be you, even if I have to throw you down the stairs to do it, and I’ll do it, don’t think I won’t!” (We lived in an upstairs apartment with a concrete landing at the bottom of the stairs…. no place you want to be ‘thrown down’.) His tirade continued on along those lines so I called the police and they escorted him off the property and took out an emergency restraining order, which I have renewed an is still in effect and I will continue to renew for as long as he is in the area.  He says he is moving to another state when the divorce is over and I’m hoping that it will be somewhere far, far away.  Is Antarctica a state?

So, here I am, a 50 year old grandmother, on my own again.   The path my life has taken has had it’s share of odd twists and turns, pot holes and ruts, but this was not where I expected to be going at this age.  However, we don’t always get to choose what we will have to confront when we go around a corner.  Sometimes you just have to go with it and make the best of a bad situation.  My choice is to try to carry on with as much happiness and dignity as possible, and with luck, I hope I will find I’ve embarked on a journey that will take me to wondrous new places.

Meadow across the street from my Little-Apartment-on-the-Pond.

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