Fish Pier at Night

Once the divorce process is underway and hubby is out of the house, then what?

First of all, one has to start taking care of one’s self.  Especially since I was coming out of a marriage to a slob-junk food junkie who spent most of his time at home watching TV; loud TV with lots of sirens, explosions, shootings and screaming, while continually grazing on chips, candy, crackers, ice cream and whatever else came his way.   I realized that it was time to take my life and my home back!

I didn’t exactly begin to diet; I just went back to eating the way I used to eat and I’ve already lost 16 pounds in 4 months.  I haven’t watched TV except for a few movies on the VCR/DVD player since he’s been gone because it’s so nice to have that blasted machine silenced for once!  I’ve been giving my Little Apartment on the Pond a gradual make-over in an attempt to exorcise all the ex-husband ghosts, starting with painting and re-arranging the furniture in the bedroom.  I wanted to burn all the bedding and towels that he ever touched, but ended up giving them away on Craig’s List, instead.  I’ve also painted the bathroom and the hallway and my next projects are to tackle the living room and kitchen.  This is a very low-budget re-do, but I have to do something to rid this charming little apartment of all the sordid reminders of my life with a psychopath husband.

Then, there’s the process of jumping back into the dating pool.  I’m 50, but I’m an active, ‘young’ 50.  I walk and hike with my dog and work out every day.   Being that I telecommute from home and don’t get out very much, there weren’t going to be many opportunities to meet new people in this little New England town.  My brother had found his long-term girlfriend and my cousin had found his wife on dating sites; and since I had met both husbands the old-fashioned way with no good results, I figured it couldn’t hurt to try on-line dating.  There has to be someone out there for me.   So, I put an ad on the site my brother used; it was only a trial membership that lasted a week or so, but hey, what the heck?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as they say.

I only had one response and it turned out to be a guy I had known as an acquaintance for 25 years!  We were both from local families and had backgrounds in Commercial Fishing.   I had seen him around the Fish Pier when we both used to work out of there in our younger days; he was hard to miss: tall, handsome with a friendly greeting and shy smile.  I thought he was terribly good-looking, but especially since I was there working in my ‘fish clothes’, covered with fish-gore, I never thought he’d give me a second look.  It turns out that he still remembered me and we found we had lots to talk about;  we knew many of the same people and he knew most of my family.  We emailed endlessly back and forth and then progressed to talking on the telephone every night.  I had to admit that I genuinely liked him and enjoyed talking to him.  He had also been married twice and was sympathetic to my plight with my ex-husband.   He was smart, personable and seemed to be very well-grounded.  I really liked that he was a local guy and that we shared so much in common.

We finally got together one evening when he offered to lend me a book and plus, we just wanted to talk in person.  I hadn’t seen him in years, and he looked more mature, but he was still a gorgeous, fine figure of a man.  I must have looked like hell, being that I’d hardly slept in the past month and had been rocked to the core by the horrifying shock of discovering who my husband really was and all the disagreeable chores that come with a divorce.  But, if he thought anything of my appearance, he hid it well.  We sat on opposite sides of the living room at first; I didn’t want to give him the wrong impression that I was there for anything other than to talk.  But, after chatting for a few hours, he brought out the book and invited me to sit on the couch with him and we looked through it together.   Gradually, his head was resting on my shoulder.  There is something so poignant about having a big, immensely strong man put his head on my shoulder.  The gesture seemed so sweet; made him seem so vulnerable that my resolve started to melt.  I couldn’t even think if the last time a man had done that.  We still looked at the book, but as he snuggled in, I couldn’t help touching the back of his neck, his hair…. and soon enough, the book was forgotten as kissing followed…. incredible, electric kisses of the kind that I hadn’t experienced since early in my marriage.  We had great chemistry and I ended up staying the night.  We were awake almost the entire time, reveling in it all.  I have not often fallen in love so quickly, but I knew that I would would be entirely lost to him if this kept up.

But, it didn’t last.  We had a few more all-night sessions like that, but  I think he had second thoughts about the whole thing, and regardless, the seasonal demands of his job made it almost impossible for him to spend any time together once summer came on.  We still stay in touch; share occasional emails and telephone calls, but I don’t foresee anything resuming once the hectic summer season is over.  This made me sad because what I felt for him was something surprising and rare.  I’m not one to lose my head over a guy, but in this case, I was ready to lose head, heart and soul.

So, my search continues.