So far, I’ve neglected to mention all the Court House fun that has been going on in the back ground.   It seems as though I’m trotting up to the Court House on a regular basis, either to wait to see the Lawyer of the Day; (I had to use this free legal service because my SOB husband cleaned out the bank account and not only left it empty, but caused checks to bounce, so I had to go and put money in there to clear the checks and then close the account before he could bounce any more,  leaving me broke with no money to hire a lawyer) or to renew the restraining order.

The Lawyers of the Day with whom I spoke all remarked on my apparent calm and were suitably indignant on my behalf.  They had helpful advice and assisted me with getting my divorce paperwork ready to file.  Thankfully, my life-long best friend was able to accompany me to court several times.  I’ll be forever grateful to her for the invaluable moral support.

The restraining order business brought about some surprises.  The ex had a week to prepare so I was expecting him to contest the order and have a big story all ready for the Judge; something along the lines of “my crazy wife is making all this up” or “my shrew wife drove me to it”, but after the Judge read my Affidavit aloud; in which I described his threats of potentially  lethal violence and psychopathic behavior and asked if it were true he simply said: “Yes.”  You could have knocked me over with a feather.   The Judge then asked him why he did it and again, his answer was simple; “Because I wanted to take a shower.”

Silence.  I had been so upset and sickened at the thought of seeing him again, that I could hear my heart pounding in my chest, but I think even that stopped for a moment.

We all scratched our collective heads and looked at one another in disbelief.  Since no one responded to him, he must have thought that we didn’t hear him so he said again and elaborated; “I just got home from work and I wanted to take a shower.”

Silence.  Then, after a few moments when it became apparent that this was all there was to his defense, the Judge cleared his throat and said; “Okay, then” and granted the continuance of my restraining order.   Through-out the process, there was a court-appointed lady who deals with domestic violence victims at my side at all times and as we walked out of the court room and down the hall she muttered; “He certainly is a psychopath!”  I was stunned.  I had been dreading this day and had not expected things to go so easily for me.  As well as I knew my husband, I was amazed at what had come out of his mouth; and my expectations were low, believe me!    It was embarrassing to have people see and hear him and know that I had been married to this moron!

Now we’re down to the last court date, which will take place in early August.  I’m dreading that as well, but I’m eager to get the whole mess over-with.

I have my good and bad days with coping.  I’m still bewildered on a number of issues.  If he was bi-sexual and had no intentions of being monogamous, why did he marry me?  He was a Canadian citizen, so was it just to get into the Country?  W e were together for over 8 years, total; did he think so little of me and our marriage that he’d throw it away over some skanky affairs with men, women, couples and he-shes?  Even though he swore up and down that he never actually had any luck in his on-line searches, did he think I would tolerate his behavior?  Why?  Why?  Why?  And perhaps most perplexing: how could I have lived with him for so long and not seen the real man behind the curtain?

I know I’ll never be able to get into his head or wrap my mind around the reasons for what he did.  If I do know anything about him after all this, it’s that he doesn’t care for anyone but himself and whatever his whims are at the time; he has no conception of consequences for his actions or empathy for others.  His so-called mind is a fantastically ugly place to be in and I never want to know any more about what’s going on in there.  I’m just sorry that I ever met him and that he exposed me to this horrible experience.

The only good thing about this is that you find out who your real friends are when you something awful like this happens.  Not only my best friend, but family, neighbors, acquaintances- even my old boss and co-worker, who were very funny when I stopped in to see them one day and in conversation, they asked about hubby- what could I do but tell them the truth?  The old boss was more like a friend and I’d known the former co-worker for over 30 years.   They were incredibly supportive and really cheered me up in the process.  There’s nothing like humor to put things in perspective.

My tall, handsome, fisherman guy is still lurking in the background, in touch every so often to see how I’m doing and in his shy, quiet way, doing his bit to help keep my spirits up, too.  He’s having a pretty tough summer, himself, what with an ailing, elderly parent and an injury to deal with.  I’m still in love with him, but keeping a lid on it since he told me that he just wanted to be ‘friends’ for now.  Later, he amended that to friends with sometimes benefits.    I’m trying not to have feelings for him, but the feelings are hard to rid myself of when he’s still part of my life.    I have removed all my ads from dating websites.   I really wasn’t meeting the kind of guy I wanted to meet and none of them could hold a candle to the man I actually care for.

*sigh*

Spring flowers

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